Trying Again

Wow- talk about sporadic blogging. I haven't posted since December. That's pretty lame. It may have been December of last year even.



But now I'm back - things have been stressful, busy and careening out of control. I'm going to see if blogging will help me get things in perspective. Creative outlets are usually a good way of dealing with stress, but sometimes I feel the pressure of blogging creates more stress than it relieves. So I'll have to see which way the blog-wind is blowing...



Things on my mind...



1. Halle. She was recently diagnosed with Crohn's disease and it's been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, trips to the pharmacy, rides to her school, phone calls and constant montioring of Halle's progress, health, and overall well-being. Her diagnosis brings a sense of relief and a sense of impending doom all at once. Overall, knowing what is wrong with her is much better than the past 9 - 12 months of wondering what in the world was going on with my formerly happy, smiley, sparkly daughter. Having her on medications that are controlling her symptoms and lessening her pain is wonderful, and seeing her interested in life and eating and smiling is all I've really wanted for a while now.

But knowing your child has a chronic, life-long illness that can't be cured is also somewhat devastating. There's no way to tell if her Crohn's will interfere with her life or if she'll be one of the lucky Crohn's patients that doesn't deal with pain, gastric issues or surgery. The poor kid has had a multitude of blood tests, surgery, an MRI, tons of appointments, has volunteered to be part of research studies at Children's Hospital and is taking three different kinds of medication daily. All while trying to be a regular third grade student who keeps up with her homework, participates in after school clubs, and plays soccer on the weekends. It hasn't been easy for anyone.



2. Taxes. I. Must. Do. Our. Taxes. Having the IRS give us an extension until May 11th because we live in a county that flooded twice in March isn't really a good thing. I just want to get them done. I'm half done, but I need federal tax id numbers for two different places and have yet to call and get the numbers. Any day now. Really.



3. Work. I am behind. I am behind in my paperwork, behind in the meetings I have to schedule. I am constantly trying to keep up and it hasn't been working. Luckily my bosses are very understanding and realize that the pressure of having a sick child has made it impossible for me to get anything done from home and no one has really called me on all the days I've had to take off. But knowing how much work I have to do is really, really, stressful. I'll get to it - one of these days...



4. School. Not work-school. Grad class. I am taking a graduate class called Methods and Materials for Working with Students of Moderate Disabilities. I like the class. I like the professor. But man, it's a lot of work, and I have trouble staying up until 9:00 pm every Tuesday. I have a few major assignments to do and not that many weeks left. And I have to do my work paperwork before I can do my school work. As much as I like the class, I'm looking foward to it being over. No classes this summer, for sure.



5. The summer. I don't know yet if I'll have my summer job. I hope I do, we could really use the money and the hours are great. But last year there was an issue over me taking two days off and I got the impression that my boss (who is my current boss's mother) wasn't happy with me. But by the end of the summer things seemed fine between us, and she asked if I was interested in coming back. So I applied and I haven't heard yet. And if I am working I need to find morning programs for the kids for the weeks I'm working, and we need to figure out if we can go to the Cape or not. If I'm not, I'll have to figure out if I want to tutor to make some extra money and we'll have to make sure we get to the Cape. It's almost May, I feel like I should know by now. So, is no news bad news? Or am I jumping the gun? I hate waiting and seeing. It's not my strong point.



And that is a short list of what is on my mind at this point in time...

Stuff I Love

There are so many things I love. Shiny things, book things, my Keurig coffee maker. My fake Uggs, flip flops, my new Reeboks that are going to make my boobs jealous of my butt (the commercial says so). I love to surf the net, and sometimes I find really cool stuff. I'm making a list of stuff I love. Just a sample, the entire list would be way too long and boring.



1. Amazon.com is the coolest website. I used to love Amazon because it sells books, and I absolutely love books. I love to read, and I love getting free shipping when I spend $25. Then they started adding really cool features like the, "Shoppers who bought (whatever book you're looking at) also bought..." and I could get lost while clicking through the connections linking books to books other people bought. Listmania came next, and how cool is that? Anyone can make a list, of anything they want. So if I'm looking at yet another book about King Henry VIII I may see a list titled, "Rad books about King Henry" or "Not-to-be-missed books about the Tudors" and I can look at lists that other people have created. I love lists. Other people's lists, my lists, doesn't much matter.



Now Amazon is even cooler because it sells everything. Not just books and music. Everything. There are Amazon stores, toys, clothing, shoes, I mean - everything. You name it, you can probably find it on amazon. I need a food scale and toothpaste and a backscratcher - I can find them all on amazon.com. It really doesn't get better than that.



2. Fred and Friends. How cool is their stuff? I got my sister the M-cups, a set of measuring cups that are Matroyshka dolls. She loves Matroyshka dolls and has a huge collection of them. So when I saw measuring cups that are shaped like the cute nesting dolls, I had to get them for her. Now they are totally sold out everywhere and it was like a coup to have gotten them. Which makes them ever cooler. While looking for them (my mom wants a set too) I noticed how cool other Fred and Friends products are. I highly recommed looking at their stuff online. Very whimsical stuff, but a lot of the items are quite practical. And fun.

3. I know I'm a little late to the game with this one but I love my digital picture frame. My parents gave it to us for Chaunkah. It accepts any time of memory card or flashdrive and it's incredibly easy. It's a new type, and it displays three or four pictures at once in a mosaic format. It makes me wonder why I even need other picture frames. They seem so lame with the one, un-changing picture in them. I make fun of my kids because their narcissistic streak is showing as they gaze at the pictures of themselves. They are so excited to see themselves in the pictures and laugh uproariously when a picture of one of them changes into a picture of someone else, or for real hilarity, into one of the dogs. But I can sit there and watch it for long stretches of time too, so I know where they are coming from.

4. I love, love, love my iTouch. I'm notoriously anti-Apple products. And I had an mp3 player that I loved. When my dad got his iPhone I bothered him about giving me his iTouch until he did it (he's good that way). At first I hated iTunes and I still think Windows Media Player is much better. The kids love the iTouch - they love the touchscreen and the games and all that. I love how small it is, and how much music I can have on it. It makes driving in the car much more fun; I love to sing in the car. It makes working out so much better. And I can store photos and games and information on it - it's really the coolest thing. Thanks Dad!

Things That Matter

I tend to be overdramatic and become emotional about issues that have nothing to do with me. I have a difficult time reading books that discuss the mistreatment of animals, old people, and children. I seldom watch the news because I find myself in tears listening to stories about abuse, neglect, illness, etc. (I also don't watch the news because I hate Obama's presidency and I can't stand what's going on). I also am stubborn, have no patience, and I'm so often surprised that people don't know how I feel that perhaps I expect others to read my mind. More likely, I may not communicate as effectively as I'd like to think I do.



What does all this mean? It means that I often must stop and count my blessings. I know it sounds corny, and maybe it is. I'm a corny person. I like country music, and have John Denver songs on my new (to me) Ipod. I'm sentimental and I cry a lot. But I must remind myself about what's truly important, and find a balance. I can work to help alleviate the suffering of others, but I have to look around me and remember how much I have to be grateful for. So, I'm going to make a short list of what I'm grateful for. By no means is it a complete list - that could take forever and too much webspace. Just a short list of the things I'm thankful for today.



1. I love my job. Let's face it - I'm lucky to have a job. This economy blows, and I've only been a full-time employee for the last five years. I loved staying home with my family even though we couldn't afford it. I am glad I did it, and I'm glad that when I did start work Rich switched to a night shift so he could be with the kids during the day. We saved a ton of money (that we couldn't afford) on daycare. I don't want to start a daycare debate but it was very important to me that the kids were home with one of their parents when they were babies. And that preschool was part-time, and a choice. Anyway, my job is challenging, time-consuming, and sometimes a pain, but I love it. I love that I'm home in time to pick up the kids almost every day and that I drop them off at the bus stop in the morning. I'm lucky enough to work for a school district that believes that family comes first, and I can usually get time off to see my kid's performances and attend conferences.

2. My family is relatively healthy. Having two healthy kids is nothing to take for granted. Each of my children underwent surgery when they were very young, and it's a scary process. Seeing truly sick children in the hospital made me very grateful that my children were having minor day surgeries. Working with high school students that are undergoing chemotherapy, radiation, and brain surgery affects me more as a mother than as a teacher. Rich is under close scrutiny of his doctor, having yearly colonoscopies and testing his blood after his surgery for Cushing syndrome. But overall he's healthy, and starting to take more interest in watching his diet. My sister and I are adorable healthy and are actually having fun losing weight on weight watchers. Her kids and husband are healthy, and my parents are also relatively healthy. Not that they don't scare us every now and then. Given the friends I have who have lost loved ones to cancer, heart attacks, and various diseases, and the media frenzy surrounding H1N1, I consider myself very, very lucky.

3. It's the holidays! Thanksgiving is always one of my favorites because it's about family, not stuff. It's the first time that I see a lot of my aunts and cousins each year, and the focus is on hanging out and eating, and catching up. And eating. I do love Thanksgiving foods. And desserts. Hence, weight watchers. And although I love Thanksgiving because it's not about stuff, I do love stuff. I love buying gifts, and receiving gifts, and the older my kids get the more fun Chanukah is for the family. This year Chanukah is over before Christmas begins, and that makes my life so much easier. I do still have quite a bit of shopping to do, but the majority is over.

I don't make resolutions, but this year I am going to spend more time worrying about the things that matter, and the situations that I have control over. There's not much use obsessing about the things I can't change. But I'm going to spend some time every day being thankful for the things that are truly important.

I haven't posted since May?

Ok, I'm determined (again) to keep up with my blog. I miss having a blog. Yet - I spend too much time playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook and not nearly enough time blogging. And I have found that my blog will not write itself.

I don't actually know what to write today. I'm in my C block class at the high school, and my students are managing to work on their own for the moment. Ok, as soon as I typed that I had to help a student figure out something called a "Box and Whiskers" problem on a calculator. But now they are being self-sufficient again.

My list today is going to be totally random. I don't have a topic in mind of which I can form an entire list. I have no concentration, no focus. Just, well, randomness.

1. There is a serious lack of Zhu Zhu pets in my life. I want to get a Zhu Zhu pet for Halle for Chanukah. And really, part of the reason is so that I can play with the Zhu Zhu pet. I think they look fun. Well, they look fun if you spend $100 dollars or more and get the habitrail and hamster ball and car. And yes, I want them all. My sister and I were in line at Toys R Us for hours at the midnight Black Friday sale. We were about 1000 people back and the first 100 people got tickets for Zhu Zhu pets. We were exponentially not even close to getting one. Sigh.
A few days later Toys R Us was making the Zhu Zhu pets available to the first 50 people in the store. They opened at 7:00, I showed up at 8:00 and I was about 45 minutes late. My sister, who did know about the Zhu Zhu pets but didn't tell me until 7:55 am that very same morning, got an email about them. I wasn't dressed, my teeth weren't brushed, and I had Buckwheat hair. I was kind of surprised they didn't just give me one because they felt bad for me. I was a hot mess. Alas, they claimed they had none.
There are Zhu Zhu pets online. But I'm having trouble spending upwards of $50 for a toy that retails for $10. I'm not saying I won't. I haven't yet. But I can't rule out the possibility.

2. I am going to be in serious trouble if I don't get my homework done. My class ended on November 12th. It was a very strange class schedule - I had class from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm on Tuesdays and Thursday. But only for a month. And because the class was so compressed, our professor, who I love, gave us until the first week of December to finish all of our work. I have definitely made progress. But I'm not finished. I still have to find the middle school where my professor works during the day and get an article from her. I still have to contact my advisor at my graduate program to find out how to log into the computer system that we use to hand in work. And there's quite a bit of homework to be finished. I think once I get the other stuff - the article, the log in information, etc. - out of the way I'll be better able to finish the actual school work. Well, I hope so anyway. I have to get a B in the class or I won't get reimbursed. And grad classes are expensive. AND I didn't even pay for the class, my mom did. So I have to get reimbursed for sure. How mortifying would it be to get a poor grade! My transcript, so full of good grades, would suffer. I really have to get a move on.

3. Chanukah is coming rapidly - nine days until the first candlelighting. Can that be true? I knew after Thanksgiving we'd have a short time to get ready. But I feel like Chanukah has totally snuck up on me. I have to go through the secret present closet and wrap everything and get a list of what I have. Then I can make a list of what I need. I know I need stuff for my nephews, and my parents. I have two small things for my sister and need something else. But she's so easy to buy for. I need to get some stuff for my friends in MI, I always send them some toys at the holidays. They are easy to buy for too. I love buying stuff for kids.
I'm a little irritated that my school planned their Holiday party on the first night of Chanukah. I have gone the past few years and I always like going. This year it's at someone's house, instead of the country club where they usually have it. So, it could be a bit more relaxed and fun. But I can't miss the first night of Chanukah with my family. For awhile I thought I may have my family Chanukah party on that Friday as well, but we managed to move it to Saturday. The week after that is busy too - bookgroup, the department holiday party, etc.
It's funny - there is a lot of talk about not celebrating holidays at the school, not having decorations in the school, etc. Obviously the reason is because it's a public building, and there are students of many different faiths and backgrounds. Yet, the fact that we're not supposed to have trees and decorations makes people grouchy. And I feel like they are grouchy at the Jews and Muslims because the rules were made to be inclusive to us minority groups. I can't tell you how much grumbling I hear about rules about candy canes and stuff. It's annoying. And I think it all comes from the rules that are supposed to make the religious holidays a non-issue.
Last night I went to aqua aerobics and the whole workout was done to Xmas music. I always liked a lot of Christmas music, which horrifies Rich. He hates all Xmas music. There are a few wintery songs he can stand. But not many. After living with him for 15 years, I thought I may start to hate it too. And when I'm with him, I do sort of cringe when we're at the mall and we hear Xmas music. Because he gets all squinty and mad. But last night, I have to say, I enjoyed working out to some cool holiday tunes. And Rich wasn't there to be squinty, all the more enjoyable for me!

Wow - a list of three. Not very impressive. But, it's a list nonetheless. And I haven't blogged since May. This is definitely a step in the right direction. Now I have to go ponder the Elusive Elf (much like a secret santa) sign up sheet and decide if I want to participate. Finding good $10 gifts and smaller gifts for teachers I don't know that well isn't easy. But it is fun...

My list of things that suck right now

I’m having trouble being my usually upbeat, happy self these days. I wish I could say it was all due to the stress of work – this is the last week for seniors and man, some of them are obnoxious. Even the underclassmen are stressing out, realizing (too late) that there is not a whole lot of time available to finish up all of their missing assignments. Also, with the town budget crisis and impending layoffs, it’s been negative in the teacher’s lounge as well as in the classrooms. I’m relatively sure my job is safe, but no one knows for sure and everyone assumes the worst. However, work isn’t really the issue. Life is the issue. I realize that bad things happen – my own family has dealt with a few life-changing events we could have lived without. But recently it just seems like bad news everywhere I turn. And the worst part is there’s nothing I can do to help. At least, nothing I can think of. Here is a list of things that I’m having trouble dealing with. Maybe writing about it will help clear my head a bit. (See, my optimistic nature isn’t completely dead)

1. The tragic story that’s been all over the news – a pregnant mother of two is killed in her apartment, allegedly stabbed by her boyfriend. Her three-year old and eight-year old children find her lying in a pool of blood when they wake up, and their screams alert the neighbors who call 911. This is indeed the kind of story that makes my cry instantly, and will give me bad dreams for awhile. In this story, the eight-year old is in my daughter’s class and the whole school is devastated by the news. I can’t stop reading about it, can’t stop watching it on the news, and I can’t stop crying about it. Hormonally I’m a basket-case. Now that it’s a few days later, and the kids are good foster placements and the school community is rallying around to help I feel better. But those poor kids don’t feel better and probably won’t for a long time. I don’t believe in heaven, or hell, and I never have. But I have to believe that the mother, Yuliya, can see that her kids are well taken care of and safe. Because I am certain that her last thoughts were about them and the newborn baby (who didn’t make it). I hope she knows that there are loving and caring people taking care of her kids and that she’s in peace.


2. A friend of mine is losing her husband. My son had a best friend in preschool, they were friends for two years. They are very similar and just really understood each other. Ari was extremely disappointed when he realized that they wouldn’t be in kindergarten together. We had a few playdates, but they don’t live in our town and both boys are in day schools with long days and long commutes and scheduling became difficult. Recently I found his mother on Facebook and we started keeping in touch a little more regularly. I was shocked to find out that her husband has cancer, and he’s nearing the end of his battle. She and I spoke when we would see each other at playgrounds, at birthday parties, etc. I had no idea her husband was ill, and had been for years. When I contacted her and let her know that I had just found out and asked if there was anything we could do, we decided that having us take her son occasionally would be fun for the boys and just get him out of the house for awhile. So we’ve been taking her son for a few hours as many weeks as possible. Ari absolutely loves having his friend around, and it’s been fun for us. When I think about him being so young (six) and having to face life without his dad, it breaks my heart. Similarly I think of his mom and keep trying to imagine her making a life by herself with two sons. And of course it doesn’t matter, it would be tragic anyway, but her husband is just one of the nicest, kindest, men ever. I know my friend will do a great job raising her boys, but I know how hard this summer/fall is going to be for them.

3. Someone that I don’t know well, a junior at the high school where I teach, died unexpected last week. He was born with a heart problem, and last Wednesday night he had a heart attack and died at home. The students, faculty and staff at the high school were so shocked by the death that I don’t think it sunk in right away. Certainly everyone was sad, but it’s almost as though we all just realized that he won’t be back in school and it’s a really sad time here. Of course it’s senior week and our seniors are crazy and literally out of control, and there’s a definite current of sadness going on underneath all the frivolity.

Well, that’s my list of the crap that’s been on my mind and making me so grouchy lately. I have been taking some extra time to play with my kids, and even to talk to Rich civilly (although not this morning). I have to be grateful, mindfully so, about the facts of my healthy family, the fact that Rich and I are both employed at a time when so many people are losing their jobs, and that we have plenty of fun things coming up. After Rich’s surgery on Tuesday there’s not much bad stuff going on in our lives. And that’s what I should be focusing on, it’s just not that easy.

Ari Harrison - 6 Things About My 6 Year Old

Today is Ari's sixth birthday. Why do I get so emotional on each birthday? Ari is the baby of the family, the youngest of the kids, and I just can't believe he's six. Sometimes he talks like he's 30, and sometimes he acts like he's 3. But he's actually six, and he's not really a baby anymore. Here's a list of things about Ari, that I've been thinking about when I realized his birthday was this week.

1. Ari is adorable - he's a blonde haired, blue eyed, freckle nosed cutie. He's medium height and build, but enormous on personality. He's got a great smile, and a fabulous laugh.

2. Ari loves numbers and letters - his first obsession was Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, and boy, did we watch/read that a million times before he was three. He taught himself to read by age two, and loves numbers, graphs, calculators, rules, and scales. Anything that measures, weighs or gives him numerical information. On a recent trip to IKEA he wore the free paper tape measure around his head like a headband. We're not really sure why.

3. Ari loves to talk. My cousin took him in their car when we took an hour long drive to the Kennedy Space Center and said he absolutely did not stop talking the entire time. After a playdate yesterday the mom who picked him said he got off the bus talking a mile a minute. Ari has a constant need to update those around him on his thoughts, his feelings, his observations, etc. Luckily he's cute, because it gets really annoying. He also has a habit of saying, hundreds of times a day, "I have to tell you something." before he tells you something. He talks and talks and talks...

4. Ari is a great eater, and he loves meat. He'll try a variety of foods, and his current favorites include ribs, corn on the cob, meatballs, hotdogs, and pasta. He's not really a lover of dairy, cereal, or any bread products. He always takes his burgers out of the bun. He's kind of a low-carb kid, without really knowing it.

5. Ari loves video games. I was never really a fan of video games for kids, but he got a DS last year and a Wii for Chanukah and man, does he love them. His favorite games are racing games, and the balance games on the Wii. He loves to watch his cousins play games as well, because they can get to levels that he can't. After playing his games for awhile he'll start drawing games, drawing very intricate (but totally confusing) "levels" on different pieces of paper. Then he'll start drawing these tediously small people, his "lives" and cutting the people out. Anyone watching him would think I am denying him video games.

6. Six years ago today he was born sometime in the evening. He had the same blood complication as his sister and spent a week in the pediatric unit of the hospital. When he came home he had an-almost-two-year sister and two older cousins who couldn't wait to hold him and play with him. His first name means lion in Hebrew, and his middle name begins with an H to remember Rich's grandfather (on his father's side). Some his first words included 'poptart', 'spongebob', and 'doggy.' He slept like a dream, and I could put him down awake and he'd fall asleep by himself. He still sucks his thumb and drags a stuffed rabbit who has a rattle on his paw(un-originally named Rattle Bunny) everywhere he goes. He had blocked tear ducts and two surgeries to correct them. He's a fabulous kid, who's lovable and snuggly and has clear limits of what he wants and likes. I'm very lucky to be his mama.

Sounds I Love to Fall Asleep To

Days and days have gone by, and I haven't posted. I have so many good intentions. But sometimes I run out of time and sometimes I simply don't know what to blog about. Last night I went to bed at about 10:30, after hanging out at Lissa's house while she and our friend did some planning for G.'s Bar Mitzvah. I turned on the Red Sox game even though I knew I was going to sleep, because I absolutely love to fall asleep with the tv on when I'm awake through the game and they win, and I can hear the post-game as I'm falling asleep. It's less fun when they lose. And last night, because it was a West coast game, the game had just started when I was going to bed. And as I was falling asleep I realized I don't like to fall asleep when it's quiet. There are certain sounds that I just love to fall asleep to.

1. The sound of Ari snoring. I guess it’s not really healthy for a six-year old (yes, he’s six. Practically.) to snore. But he does, and the doctor says it’s healthy, he just has large tonsils. He may grow into them. Then again, he may not. But he snores, and he falls asleep while I read, and he usually curls himself up like a little shrimp, and leans on me, and snores behind my shoulder. I can tell be the snores if he’s asleep enough for me to get up and leave the room. It’s one of the best ways to fall asleep.

2. Listening to Halle chat about her day. I’m not allowed to read when I lie down with Halle. I have to lie in particular place, on a particular side, with my arm across her in a particular way. And then we chat. First she tells me how much I love her – more than all the stars in the sky, more than all the sand on the beach, more than all the water in the ocean, and all the way to the moon and back. I’ve been telling her that since the day she was born and now she tells me, and we have to go through it every night. After that she talks about her day; highs and lows, points of interest, etc. She often wakes me up to complain about my snoring, and sometime after I have fallen asleep she does too. I fight to stay awake but my days start awfully early, and she can get quite chatty. She never seems to mind if I fall asleep.

3. I am afraid, to a ridiculously high degree, of water. Any water. I do, however, love the beach. I won’t swim, and become uncomfortable when the water reaches my ankles. Yet I love the sand, the sun, the sound of the surf, the smell of the sea, and being outside with the kids. Any time I’m reclining, I’m extremely likely to fall asleep. All of the sounds of the beach – the waves, the seagulls, the kids yelling to each other as they run around – all put me to sleep almost instantly. Which, given my pasty complexion, leads to sunburns and blisters and peeling, regardless of the sunblock I slather myself with.

4 As previously mentioned, I love to fall asleep with the TV on, particularly the Red Sox. Usually it’s unintentional and I go upstairs to watch the shows on my DVR that I have accumulated. They are the shows that I don’t watch with Rich (because he makes fun of me), those are the ones we tape downstairs on the tv that he loves. The shows I watch are my faux-reality shows, and the cheesy crap on VH1 and MTV. I don’t start watching them until I’m in danger of falling asleep, so I never make it through a whole show. I usually fall asleep backwards on the bed, with my head towards the foot of the bed, which is how I watch TV. But sometimes I wake up and actually get into bed and leave the TV on. And the light on. That’s weird. Isn’t it?

5. We still use baby monitors for the kids because when they wake up in the middle of the night (thankfully it’s fairly infrequent) they don’t get up, they just call for me. Never for Rich, he can’t hear anything even when he’s awake, he sleeps like a dead person and snores so loud I’m lucky I can hear the kids. They have humidifiers that run at night so it’s not too quiet in their rooms (I project my love of night-noise on them I guess) and I can hear the humidifiers running through the monitors. I don’t particularly love that sound, but sometimes I hear Halle laugh in her sleep, or hear Ari say something, or hear the dog’s nails click on the hardwood floors as they check in on the kids (our dogs are very interested in knowing where everyone in the family is at random intervals). It’s just comforting to hear the regular household noises through the monitor, the ones that reassure me that everyone is in the right place, doing the right thing. You know?